Sunday, September 22, 2013

The Single Woman: Why You're Single And How To Be Happy While Single



©2008-2013 The Seductive Woman

Good afternoon, my feminine lovely! Today it's almost impossible to pick up a magazine without finding at least one article on the art of happy marriage or relationship. Books, blogs, websites, television, and radio aren't far behind in their absorption with the problems of marriage, relationships and sex. 


As a single, feminine and high value woman waiting for love, like the reader of a book on foreign travel, you'll probably find such articles interesting, but wonder if you'll ever actually experience it yourself. Furthermore, not too long ago, a young woman still unclaimed on her thirtieth birthday was considered to have entered 'spinsterhood.' 

Now, of course, such an arbitrary figure is utterly ridiculous. And thank goodness that we don't become old maids at thirty any more than our fathers become old men at sixty-five, just because they're entitled to Social Security benefits!

That being said, there's no getting around the fact that society sometimes considers the single woman to be, generally, either rejected or neurotic. To put it bluntly, you're thought to be a failure as a woman, lovely, because you've been unable to entice some man to the altar. 

On the other hand, the divorcee or widow, though she has no husband in her life at present, was once desired by some man to the point of his marrying her. Even if in reality she's a serial cheater or a psycho! Thus she supposedly ranks in a higher social position than you do.

Of course any intelligent woman knows that much of this is stereotypical nonsense, and certainly as far as you're concerned, a feminine and high value women of substance. Furthermore, you have every reason not to feel either defeated or flawed as a woman. 

Nevertheless, this persistent and insidious type of brainwashing can continue day after day, and in time you may begin to feel unwanted and insecure as a woman, less attractive and desirable, perhaps, and panicky at the thought of your single state. 

If that's the case with you, then you're in trouble. For not only are you unhappy, but your feminine personality may change to confirm the worst predictions of those who see the single woman as somehow lacking in feminine qualities which are positive, womanly and attractive.

What's a single woman to do in such a case?

There's much that a single woman and you can do to outwit these wailing 'Cassandras' and keep the state of 'single blessedness' really blessed. A delightful story of the way in which one young woman refuted the fears of her friends as to her mental state was told by Jean Libman Block in the book 'Charm.' 

When interviewed by Miss Block on her views of spinsterhood, this feminine and attractive woman replied: "I get asked out all the time, but I'm single by choice because it's more fun this way. There's only one thing wrong about staying single. Your friends insist you must be neurotic."

"My friends carried on so much about my emotional blocks that I finally made an appointment with a psychiatrist. I told him all about myself and then said my problem was that I enjoyed being single and didn't feel guilty about it."

"You know what he said? He said I was the most refreshing thing he'd run into in years and asked me for a date."

Unfortunately not all psychiatrists or counselors are that understanding with single women, cupcake. Many refuse to believe that individual circumstances are what keep many women from marrying. They may also deny that a simple lack of opportunity to meet men or family obligations are real reasons for many women and girls remaining single. 

Instead, many psychiatrists or counselors are prone to attribute all kinds of fear motivations and other neurotic impulses to single women. They may delight in tearing down what they consider rationalization of reasons for 'spinsterhood.' And they may maintain that any woman can have marriage if she wants it badly enough. 

Nevertheless, both statistics and your own common sense, angel ~ as well as day-to-day observations ~ tell us that such sweeping and generalized statements must be incorrect. And of course, you don't love and marry a statistic, but one quite special man. 



The Single Woman:  Why You're Single And How To Be Happy While Single: Legitimate Reasons For Being Single

Some legitimate reasons why some women remain single are:

You may simply not have met the right man within your own small circle, for it's only theoretically that you have an unlimited geographical or social area from which to choose.

Not every single man and woman is willing or interested in beginning and carrying on a long distance/online relationship 

Perhaps you've met a man who seems right too late. Or you find out that the man you recently met and feel attracted to is already married

You've encountered many charming, masculine and high value men, but they're more the George Clooney type of 'marriage-resistant bachelor' 

You may rarely meet men because you work almost exclusively with women and children

You may have a disability that keeps you from leaving the house and socializing

You're too dominant in your personality and not feminine and soft enough for the liking of masculine and high value men and true alpha males

Thus, dear one, you can see that legitimate circumstances, at which certain psychologists may scoff, can be very real obstacles indeed to marriage. Happily, as well, some who've given a fair amount of thought to the subject of single women do realize that single women are essentially no different from their married sisters. 

After years of observation I'm satisfied that 'spinsterhood' is simply an accident. Moreover, why some women have husbands and why others don't can often be a bit of a mystery. Beauty doesn't explain it, neither do brains.

Haven't you noticed, dear heart, how married women come in the same variety of shapes and sizes as single women do, have the same qualities, and the same defects. On the street, in a bus, they can't really be told apart - besides wearing a wedding ring. 



The Single Woman: Why You're Single And How To Be Happy While Single: Why You Aren't Necessarily Neurotic Or Have Emotional Difficulties

As to the assertion that single women are basically neurotic, there's been some evidence in studies that single women have emotional difficulties much less frequently than do married women. For instance, Dr. Floyd M. Martinson found in a large series of studies that emotional difficulties were markedly less frequent among single than among married women. 

In addition, the older single woman often has often allowed herself to become absorbed in a career. By the time she's ready for marriage, there are going to be more obstacles to it in many cases, not the least of these being the man in question. 

Furthermore, if a man's not a great deal younger than a woman, he may be a confirmed bachelor, or possibly married to someone else. In addition, some contemporary acquaintances, who've recently married ~ wed widowers or divorces. 

(But surely no single woman's going to be so ghoulish as to wait around for some poor wife to die or tire of her marriage, doll! Not if she expects to be happy in her own marriage, at any rate.)

The Single Woman: Why You're Single And How To Be Happy While Single: The Possibilities For Future Marriage

Having been reassured that you're not necessarily neurotic, let's appraise the possibilities for future marriage. To be honest with you, dear heart, they're not very rosy. The heartless statisticians state that a woman over thirty has a less than fifty-fifty chance of ever marrying. 

So, you may marry. Then again, you may not. In either case, you're going to need all the emotional maturity that Dr. Schindler credited to single women to meet and solve your problems.

This post and future posts will be showing you how the single woman can be happy now and whether or not she eventually marries. 



How To Be Happy While Single

1. Self-honesty ~ the first requisite to being happy while single is self-honesty. Without that, nothing else helps very much. Knowing yourself, knowing what to improve or change about yourself in order to be more attractive and suitable as a potential wife, and facing life with a sense of realism, isn't synonymous with pessimism. It's the basis for maturity. 

It also takes as much maturity to be a successful and happy single woman waiting and hoping for love as it is to be a successful wife.

2. Having a life ~ many women think having a man is the only recipe for true happiness and for fully enjoying life. A good man and husband is, of course, important to a woman's happiness and fulfillment. But a man is far from being the only purpose in a woman's life, or the only means to happiness and fulfillment. 

In addition, some women and girls have such a single-minded obsession about men and marriage that they make themselves, and those with whom they live, quite miserable. They need to be reminded that there can be plenty of other rewarding, fun and enjoyable areas in a woman's life.



These rewarding, fun and enjoyable areas in life include: 

One's work or enterprise

Feminine hobbies

Friends of the same and the opposite sex

Knowledge, learning and study

Personal development and growth

Pets and children (even if they're not your own)

Freedom

It's very important to remind yourself that the single woman enjoys way more freedom than the married woman. She can do what she wants, when she wants, and not have to worry about considering any one else but herself. 

So instead of bewailing your fate as an 'unicaptured treasure,' you would do better to appreciate and make the most of these freedoms, cupcake. *Smile*



The Single Woman: Why You're Single And How To Be Happy While Single: Dealing With Frustrations


Naturally sexual frustration is a factor likely to be in a single woman's life ~ whether or not it's consciously acknowledged. But this type of frustration, although most publicized, isn't the only frustration that negatively affects the single woman

There are actually seven types of frustration which are experienced by single women  and will be investigated further on. Moreover, for each, there are suggested compensations or means of sublimation which you may find helpful. 

We'll be delving, also, into some of the ways women find satisfaction from their work, since a career is one way to compensate for not marrying.

Honesty with yourself, as I've mentioned earlier, is the basic key to a happier single state, angel. This honesty probably causes you to realize, a bit ruefully, that life is short, and that you don't always choose all of the events in it, even though you can guide them to some extent. 

While you may not be to blame for your husbandless state, you could be at fault for fussing about it. Acceptance of your singleness, when past thirty, is probably wise. It's equally wise to realize that you're never too old to love and that every day is a potential start to new adventure. 

You also never know what's around the next corner. Among my circle of acquaintances, marriages after thirty or forty, or even fifty or sixty, aren't uncommon. The fund for wedding gifts remains a standing item in my budget! *Smile*

It's eternally true that all women are sisters under the skin ~ whatever their age or marital status. I've lent an equally sympathetic ear to a teenage girl undergoing the anguish of an unrequited first love and to a woman in her sixties pining over a man she couldn't have.

Singledom and 'single blessedness' is a way of life just as much as marriage is. But it seems odd and unfair that a society such as ours ~ a democracy dedicated to upholding, protecting, and respecting the rights of minorities ~ should often be so socially intolerant and so uninformed about the sizable minority made up of several million single women and bachelors

Yes, it can be frustrating.

So if this and upcoming posts, dove, I'll be attempting to alleviate the bewilderment and loneliness often experienced by you, a single feminine and high value woman of the twenty-first century, and demonstrate that, despite all challenges, happiness today is entirely possible for any woman.

One of the surest ways to attain happiness as a single woman is to overcome envy of what we consider to be the better luck of other women. All our lives most of us wish ourselves into other people's shoes. Even as children,  our great ambition was to be grown-up, to mimic our elders and acquire their privileges. 

As adults we look back on our childhoods and the accompanying restorers with humor and nostalgia. Moreover, as single women, we may fervently desire the delights of marriage. But as wives, we may sometimes feel bored and burdened by duties of marriage and motherhood, envying the freedoms of those of 'single blessedness.' 

Truly, doll, the grass is always seems to be greener in the other gal's pasture! Yet often our lot in life is one that we, subconsciously perhaps, have chosen ourselves.



The Single Woman: Why You're Single And How To Be Happy While Single: Reasons Women Choose Marriage

Reasons Women Choose Marriage:

1. It's a socially accepted life pattern ~ some women ~ probably a large group ~ seek marriage chiefly because it's part of a popular and socially accepted life pattern.

2.  Children and a home of one's own ~ many women marry because of a deep desire for children and a home of their own.

3. Love ~ love for an individual man is a common reason for marriage, but may be a secondary happening which allows a woman to fulfill these primary goals. (Though they may sincerely love or come to love the man they marry, in the beginning, whether or not they realize it, he's just a person who makes attainment of their primary, instinctive goal, marriage possible, rather than being the goal himself.)

As for reasons why some women don't want to marry, some women just aren't attracted to the idea of marriage and who aren't especially attracted to marriage as a social institution. They aren't necessarily anti-marriage, although a few women are. 

Most women, however, so expect to marry 'someday.' But for the present moment in time, lovely, they find some other goal far more fascinating than the mere idea of marriage. 


Sooner or later, though, the chances are that these women will eventually meet and fall in love with one particular man with whom they'll wish to spend the rest of their life with. In such cases, marriage, as a way of achieving this goal, will seem completely desirable. 

Here the individual man is also the instigating motivation, not the institution of marriage.



The Single Woman: Why You're Single And How To Be Happy While Single: Pity And Envy From Other Woman

When a woman isn't married the embarrassing questions often arise. It's always a little awkward for the still single a woman when she's asked in a friendly but puzzled way, "You're not married?" Or, "Don't you want children?"

This pity from married women and their consequent scheming can be difficult for the single girl to endure. Count, for instance, the times you've been invited to dinner only to have your hostess add coyly, "Oh. Well there's the most charming eligible man coming. I just know you two will have a lot in common!"

According to one of my married female friends, 'pity' isn't the proper word to describe the emotion that married women feel toward single friends. She said to me, "It's as though we found a new kind of candy bar ~ very delicious ~ and wanted our friends to enjoy one too!" 

Perhaps she's right lovely. But too many times the tone of condescension which accompanies this concern for a single woman's welfare, or your welfare, sounds suspiciously like the pity you felt as a child toward a homely, raggedly clad little girl in your class. The kind of girl that prompted a gift of castoff clothing.

No woman will be interested in handing you a castoff husband, however. When married women aren't pitying you, or acting in a smug, condescending manner (as some recently wed women do just because they've snared a husband and you haven't,) they're often envying you. 

Occasionally envy takes the form of suspicion, especially if you're well endowed with feminine assets. I've experienced this when I was single, but this is certainly not always true. Many married women who are secure in themselves and in their marriages can be friends with attractive single women.

But the unhappiness that some women attribute to their married state ~ or lack of it, as the case may be ~ is often the most sensitive point in their make-up, and like envying another woman, can cause the unsheathing of claws. 

The Single Woman: Why You're Single And How To Be Happy While Single: Pity And Envy From Other Woman: Insecurity And Guilt 


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3 comments:

  1. If you don't mind my asking...what is your relationship state? I assumed you had married a high value man in the spirit of practicing what you preach, although I seem to remember your mentioning at one time (in the 120 facts about me) that you were widowed but had a fiance? Just curious!

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  2. Well, this was a very looonnng post, but I agree that singlehood is not the end of the world. And in the United States at least, for the first time in history -- single people outnumber married persons. So marriage is on the decline, things are changing in terms of what is acceptable and what it means to be love and have a family (because not all married people are in love!).

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  3. Hello, Tabitha and TheGirl!

    Tabitha, I was widowed, but am now happily engaged to be married to the most wonderful and romantic man. We are a match made in heaven. :)

    TheGirl, there will be more to this series. :)

    Thank you, for dropping by girls!

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