Sunday, February 3, 2013

Dear Melina; Being Used By A Man


Dear Melina,

 I'm feeling troubled, disillusioned and disgusted right now. I'm a 40 yr old divorcee who now lives in my parent's home taking care of my aged father and mother with alimony paid by my ex-husband. 

 Since my mother is hardly able to walk and can't do very much, it is my job to do cooking and general housework. I shop weekly and plan meals, and generally run the home which entails many details with which I guess you are familiar. 

 I was married at 27 to a man 6 years older, and for about six and half years we were very happy. I trusted him implicitly though he played tennis regularly with a single school-teacher friend we had met during our marriage. 

 During recovering in hospital from a serious car accident (where I was almost killed), my ex-husband visited me with this woman and spent more evenings at her home than he did at ours. This didn't cause me to get suspicious until I recovered enough to come home, at which time he did not want to go anywhere with me. 

 Finally, he said he wanted his freedom and I went to get legal advice. We ended up getting a divorce and he and that woman married. My ex-husband was my first serious boyfriend and our relationship and marriage left some very happy memories. 

 For the sake of comparison I want to bring up some of the memories: He was very intelligent, was a hard worker, was very thoughtful of me as a husband, liked the finer things in life (though he never wanted a family), was very reliable and never shirked responsibility.

 After my divorce, I went to England, France and Italy and spent a very enjoyable ten weeks traveling abroad with a French teacher who I had become friends with at a club in New York. When I returned home,  my sister introduced me to a man (a widower) four years younger than me who had three children. We began a friendship which has become the reason for this email to you.

 To both of us, our meeting seemed pre-destined, as our meeting was about 18 months after his wife's death, and he had just begun mixing socially again. To me, though I had not been desiring a man or relationship, having kept active mentally through study and club activities. But since he took me out willingly, took me fishing, of which we both are enthusiasts, we felt we "belonged" with each other.

 Since we began seeing each other every night, I very foolishly started the practice of having my new boyfriend stay with me each night and this has continued now for three years. He uses one of the two garages I have, though he has never contributed one cent for it, and has the freedom of my home as he would if we were married. 

 He has seldom spoken of getting married since "he doesn't want to change the children's lives again". At first this was his favorite excuse. I know he would probably not want to get married since the house is still unpaid for and he has never contributed toward bills or hinted that he'd be willing to continue payments or any responsibilities. 

 My father has recently resumed employment for a small weekly income. This eases matters considerably, but not enough to warrant me being free to spend money for travel or other pleasures; ex: to attend my classes and keep my mind alert. Presently, employment for me is out of the question due to my mother's condition, unless it were very close to my home as I would have to do double duty.

 My boyfriend is not the gift-giving kind and does absolutely nothing (unless asked) to show he cares for me. This may sound mercenary, but he knows how I've tried to make ends meet and yet he has never freely given me one cent. If I ask him outright for money, he asks what I would do if he were not there to give it. 

 Once a week, and if time permits, we see a movie. He isn't romantic at all and consequently, we have no date nights like other couples have. For example, last night I thought he'd come and take me out, somewhere. At 9:50 P.M he appeared, and with no regret for his lateness. 

 My mother asked if the clocks had stopped at his home. He answered, "We got a late start tonight." I didn't speak at all, but went to bed shortly after his arrival, without saying goodnight.

 He came up to bed about 10:40 P.M and whispered good night to me, (this being the first time in over a week he has said it). The other evening we went to bed at about 11 P.M and had a bit of a "deep and meaningful talk". 

 He told me the following: "If we were to break up tomorrow, no matter how badly I felt, or how I missed you, I'd never come back to you. I wouldn't let on to anyone about my feelings either." He also criticized me for "trying to tell others how to eat and speak".

 Without drawing this out too much, I must go into some detail. I hope you'll understand and forgive me, Melina, but I want to make myself clearly understood and find this necessary. I have always tried to cultivate friendships with people who I can learn something from, and have always tried to speak correctly. 

 This has become second nature to me and I try not to make grammatical errors. An early romance taught me how important correct table manners are, and I've tried to practice proper ones at home, in spite of seeing improper table etiquette around me constantly.

 Particularly with children, these two points are strongly stressed, and to me it seems he, especially, should to try in these ways to please me, but constantly he does teasing tricks in speaking and at the table. 

 This man comes from a family who have never had to "stint" or go easy with money, but they are all "scotch" about it. This small community has its drawbacks. As we are city people, we are club and community minded, but he and his family are not.

 I've done all I could to help his children, the oldest is 17. There are two girls, 17 and 16, and a boy now 13. I've taught the young girl piano for over two years. I've very willingly helped all three with school work and am now doing this for the boy who is very slow in school. 

 At first, once a week usually on Friday evenings, the children would come up and we'd play games. They very much enjoyed this and looked forward to these evenings, but as they grew up, we've outgrown each other.

 Now, I rarely see them, unless the daughter has no place to go, and then he brings her along. The boy now belongs to Boy Scouts. He's a rather highly strung boy and hard to manage, particularly since his grandmother is the type to wait on all her men until they are really alone to fend for themselves. 

 Now for me: I've had successful business experiences; have done newspaper work, free lance writing, am an accomplished pianist and have taught beginners, but in spite of a sign on the house, can't get new pupils. 

 I am a graduate dental nurse though I have not followed this line since they offer so little remuneration it would not pay me. I have attended evening courses and kept on studying before finances forced me to stop. 

 I've tried to encourage my boyfriend to study and advance himself but he did this only for a while. Being in the constant company of my aged parents, and having so little to look forward to, I've become a little sour and so have depended very much on my boyfriend to change my thoughts and attitude. 

 My boyfriend tells me "it's up to you to work things out for yourself. No one can change your outlook but yourself." I know this, Melina, but can't he even say something helpful, even for a change? 

 I tell him he could say things that would help but he still doesn't. In conclusion before I ramble on and on, please give me some advice about what you you think I need to do. All my friends think I should give him up. 

 When I try to give my boyfriend the "silent" treatment that he so often gives me, I suffer for it, as I'm a very feminine type of woman who wants companionship, love, affection - in other words, the simple things of life; things one can't buy in any store. 

 I give him all my love, confidence and affection and get very little in return, though I have to beg for what little I do get from him. He is the easy-going, quiet, irresponsible type, though very good looking and I often tell him he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. 

 'D'

 Answer...

 Hello dear heart.

 If I were in your place I'd break off this relationship immediately, and have nothing more to do with the man. 

 First; he shows a lack of character and integrity. Second; he's using you financially, sexually, and as a surrogate mother and babysitter (and goodness knows what else for!) Third; a sign of real love is sacrifice; real love is only content in giving. 

 Time and time again it has become clear to me that a man can never appreciate the value of a thing that's gained without the expenditure of time, effort and money. 

 From what you've written in your detailed email, your boyfriend seems very selfish, hard to please, lazy, unwilling to better himself, and to be completely taking you for granted. He'd be no easier to tolerate or live with if you decided to marry him. 

 Never ever marry or run after an unworthy, undeserving man such as this. If you feel like running, let it be away from him! 

 You tell me that you have a house to pay for. So if you ended up marrying this man, goodness knows who'd pay your bills then. You're obviously an intelligent woman, who has many accomplishments, so I'm quite positive that you wouldn't have that much trouble earning a living from home. 

Give it some patience. Perhaps you could earn a living writing. 

 As for having companionship, surely you don't depend on your boyfriend for that because you tell me he isn't a good companion. In such a large place as New York, clubs or organizations - which don't charge a large fee to belong to - it shouldn't be that hard to meet some friends who have the same sincerity and interests that you have. 

 By the way, lovely, if you're a Christian like me, have you ever tried a church to meet new people? There are often 'wholesome' good times to be found there, at no cost. *Smile*

 As for the lack of piano students, having this man in your home draining your feminine energy and resources may be keeping those new piano students away from you. 

 Sadly, this man is not only using you, willfully, but depriving you of opportunities to better yourself. I really feel that you're way too good for this man, and masculinity has little value unless accompanied by character (and generosity.) 

 I've also seen time and time again that women are often more in love with the idea of love than with a man himself. It's their idealization of 'love' that they cling to, not the man himself.

 I do hope you'll consider my advice, and find happiness and success.

 Much love,

 Melina xxx

 Would you like to ask me a question, dove?

I just might decide to use your question/concern for a future 'Dear Melina' article. All names and emails will be kept confidential and will not be published on this blog. You can send your question through the following form;

Contact
Books and Courses for Seductive Women




Give Up Your day Job With My Work From Home, Money-Making Blueprints (Can Be Used Anywhere in the World)



How to be feminine, how to become a more feminine woman 





How to be refined, how to be elegant and sophisticated, modern day charm and finishing school, manners and etiquette classes


How to be graceful; how to be poised; how to be lovely



Secrets of the modern geisha; how to be a geisha for a man, courtesan's secrets 




How to be seductive; how to be a seductress; the art of seduction



The rules of dating; relationships tips; marriage advice; understanding men; how men think; what men want in women


How to be more feminine to attract men, how to be more feminine for men; how to be seductive to a man; how to be feminine in a relationship


How to be liked; how to be popular; how to be magnetic; how to be charming; how to be an it girl; personality makeover

How To Be Charming - Part One

Tips for learning to be more feminine; how to have a more feminine personality; traits of a feminine woman



Being more feminine, being a feminine woman; how to act more feminine

How to be more girly; how to be more womanly; how to be glamorous


The art of being feminine; the art of being a woman; true femininity






How to look more feminine; how to dress more feminine, how to be more attractive; beauty tips

The Duty Of Becoming Beautiful







What makes a woman feminine, how can a woman be more womanly?


How to know a woman is feminine; feminine characteristics; feminine traits; feminine behavior



Jealousy and envy among women


Feminine role models and inspiration

Feminine, Seductive and Glamorous Actresses to Ins...

Ultimate List of the BEST Girly, Feminine and Roma...

Femininity lessons and tips;

Lessons For Daughters, Mothers & Every Woman - Par...

Lessons For Daughters, Mothers & Every Woman - Par...

My Other Femininity Blog


Femininity blog subjects

Posted by Ƹ̵̡Óœ̵̨̄Æ· God's Princess at 4:53 PM
Labels: , , ,

3 comments:

  1. Hello D, I pray that you find your heart song. Believe it or not you have built a solid bridge to recieve the MAN that will appreciate all that you do! Meilna your advice and topics are helpful to me in so many ways. From One of your DOVES in training.....

    ReplyDelete

  2. Great advice Melina. І absοlutely lоvе this blog and all your advice. Please don't ever stop writing about femininity! From another dove....

    ReplyDelete

  3. Dear D.

    I hope you at least consider Melina's advice. There is no man worth a woman's tears. Just the fact that he will never misses you and will never comes back to you, if you break up with him, talks a lot to me. This man does not love you. Did he ever sacrificed anything for you? Leaving you to worry for daily bills and expenses is not a gentleman thing.

    D, find a man who knows how to treat you as a woman. Find a man who makes you feel sexy and desired. Find a man who worships you. A man who listens and makes come true every wish and thought you have in your mind.

    Letting a man treating you like that, means that somehow you don't respect yourself. And if you do not respect yourself, how do you expect the others to respect you?... Set up boundaries for yourself and don't cross them for a man.

    There is a website called www.MeetUp.com. Its full of free groups that you can join depending of the location you live.

    Your letter to Melina made me somehow sad. I want to do something for you. To make you a little bit happier. I make jewelry. This is my passion. Please email me your address (or an address to a friend if you want to be anonymous). I would like to create something for you, if you let me know a color that you prefer, a shape and a length.

    I send you all my love.
    Kassandra
    KassandraDreamer@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete

Well, hello!

Please be aware that I do NOT publish any spam comments that aim to get links to a blog/website. All spam comments are ignored.

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)